Monday, March 4, 2013

Grief is a Strange Thing

March is always a roller coaster of emotions for me.

In the good category is the fact my birthday is in March, and birthdays are always awesome.

In the bad category is the fact that the anniversary of my brother's death is just 5 days after my birthday. Every year.

So, sometimes March is great and the excitement of my birthday is what I can focus on. Sometimes, I'm sad knowing what comes just after my birthday.

This year is a harder year for me. My brother died 15 years ago this year and for some reason years in multiples of five are just really hard for me. 14 years or 16 years just doesn't seem like that big of  deal compared to 15 years. I'm sure that doesn't make sense but that's just how it is for me.

This past week for the first time in a long time, I went to church. I've been having a lot of struggles I won't get into in this post, but suffice it to say, I haven't been going to church as I should. But, this weekend, I went.

And it's one of the hardest days I've had in a long time.

When a loved one first dies, it's not uncommon to have moments of grief just sweep over you at a memory. I'm talking about those moments where you sit there and just break down. When it's been 15 years, those moments are fewer and far between. So, when it happens, it's just overwhelming.

Well, I was sitting there in church on Sunday, and I had one of those rare moments where I had a memory sweep over me like that. I was sitting in my seat, listening to the sermon, and I had a vision, just a moment where I swear I was back in the church I grew up in. And I could see my brother again, sitting in his wheelchair at church. Second row from the front where we always sat. Instead of the stage I was actually looking at I was seeing the stage of the church I grew up in. For just a moment, it was 1998 and not 2013.

It was overwhelming. The grief just overtook me. It's been so long since that happened and it caught me completely unaware. I was sad, but then I tried to tell the hubs what was wrong and I lost it. I wept like I haven't wept in a very long time.

It was so strange. I told the hubs, I don't remember the last time I experienced that. That's not to say I don't get sad and cry sometimes, but it's not the same. It's a peaceful sad, if that makes sense. But, this was that brokenhearted sad. After church was over, I just sat in my seat and wept.

A friend stopped by and prayed for me, which I appreciated tremendously. But I'm still processing what happened. I know this is a sad post, and I know I don't post as regularly anymore, but I needed to write this down. So, please forgive me for potentially casting a gloom over your day, but this was quite therapeutic. I promise I will post a new post soon and it won't be so sad!

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