Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Day 3 of the Worst Week Ever

First, thank you to everyone who left such sweet comments on my last post. Knowing my family and I are in your thoughts and prayers means a lot. The initial shock of my Grandma's passing has worn off and I'm glad to say I arrived safely in Cleveland today.

Over the coming week, I may do some blogging, as I am tonight. A lot of it will be focused on my Grandma and the time I am able to spend with family. There may be some nice stories of my Grandma, and you'll probably get some of my sad moments too. Just be ready for a lot of emotions.

So, on with this post...

It's so good to be with family over the coming days and know that we will be able to be together and enjoy the memory of her life. My Grandma was an amazing woman. She raised 7 kids, had 13 grandkids and 1 great-grandchild who was born just a few weeks before her passing. She has left quite a legacy in all of these people who all love her and will miss her greatly.

On the drive up to Cleveland, I was experience the whole gauntlet of emotions. Seriously, I would be joking about something and then it would hit me that my Grandma had just died. Those words are still so weird. And, for the first time in my life, I wished I had a Xanax.

My knees were hurting from not being able to stretch out, I didn't have a clue about what plans were going to be when I got to Cleveland. I had no idea even when my Grandma's services were. I had no control over anything. And I come from a family where when things go wrong, we become control freaks. It just helps me cope to be able to control something. (I think part of this might be human nature...) and I had nothing to control. I couldn't control where we ate. Or when we stopped. Or when we left. Try as I might I couldn't. And I couldn't control the car.

Driving in situations like this really helps me. This might sound crazy, but here it is. When I'm going somewhere, I want to be able to drive. If you're driving, there's something I would do different. Or there might be something about your driving that's making me uncomfortable, so I really just want to drive. When I'm driving, I know that everything possible is being done to get me where I'm going just as quickly, and as safely, as it can be done. And, I know there won't be any crazy, unnecessary detours.

So, we're riding in the car, no stop in sight, stupid questions being asked. I'm freaking out because I don't know what the plans are, I'm not worried about what exit we're taking in 400 miles, and I'm getting 1000 questions asked about it. I just want to be introspective, because let's face it, there's a lot going on right now, and I can't be alone. My space is being invaded by a foot and I want to escape. But, I can't. I feel like I'm trembling, but from my initial assessment, I'm just trembling inwardly. I just want to be alone. And I want to see my Momma.

I had talked to my Momma a little bit since finding out my Grandma died (this was my Mom's mother) and I wanted to see her and hug her. I wanted her to know I was there for her. That I love her and will help her any way I can.

I was so anxious, and I'm not an anxious person in the least. I just wanted to be where I was going.

I'm doing better now that we're here. I'm glad to be able to spend the time with my family and I'm glad to be off the road.

And I'm glad that the weather matched my heart over the past couple of days. The gloominess really helped. Here's a picture of what my view was the past couple of days.

Again, thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers. I truly appreciate them. If I don't post again this week, I would appreciate your thoughts and prayers on Thursday and Friday. Thursday afternoon we have my Grandma's viewing and Friday is her funeral. These are going to be difficult days and all of your thoughts and prayers will mean the world to me.


k.elizabeth said...

I am thinking of you and praying for you today, my sweet new friend. Hang in there! I hope the visitation and service goes well. *hugs*

Megan said...

So sorry to hear about the passing of your grandmother. Many hugs being sent your way! ~Megan

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