Sunday, November 27, 2011

Honestly

Y'all, this blog might be a little heavy. It's got a lot of thoughts that have been on my mind recently and I need to let out. Like so many bloggers, this little piece of the world wide web is my friend, my confidant and some days, my therapist.

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I grew up moving around a lot. We always stayed in the same area, but we moved every couple of years. I actually reached a point where I craved moving. I needed it and wasn't sure how to function without the change it provided. I remember the first time I lived somewhere long enough that I actually considered rearranging my bedroom furniture. We just moved that much.

And then, I moved to NOLA. And my life became very stable. I wasn't moving. I found a job that I held down for almost 3 years before I was laid off. I stopped thriving on change. And I started to LOVE stability. It was strange, but it was oh, so good. I wanted roots.

Then, everything started changing. So much of it is good change. People (including Mr. B and I) got married. Babies were born. Things changed. And the traditions that we had spent the past few years perfecting are now gone.

We moved in with his parents.

We didn't go Christmas Tree shopping with L&L and her mom.

We didn't have Lindsay's mom for Thanksgiving. (She's married now.)

I messed up and couldn't even make my pumpkin pies for dessert on Thanksgiving.

It's just different. And I don't like it. I've actually kind of forgotten how to adapt. How sad is that? I got comfortable in the stability. It was a first for me. I was always ready to move at a moments notice and I finally let that guard down.

I finally let my guard down entirely.

And I accepted that stability. And here I am, and everythings getting flipped on end at the same time.

And, there's a lot of personal stuff going on. My mom's parents have both been in and out of the hospital. I made an unexpected trip to Cleveland, Ohio. Mr. B has had a couple minor health problems that we've been dealing with. I've had some minor health problems we've been dealing with. We've moved in with his parents. We've given up our first home we had as a married couple. They just put my grandmother on hospice. It's been a rough couple of months.

It's been unbelievably rough. It's been the type of months where you just want to crawl under the blankets and come out after the universe thinks you're dead and no longer worth bothering.

And, I'm tired of pretending everything's ok. I'm tired of pretending that I'm dealing with it all ok. Actually, all I want to do is mope. I just want to sit in front of the tv and surf the internet aimlessly. I don't want to be in the holiday spirit. I just want the holiday's to pass me by and leave me unscathed. I want to wake up and have it be 2012 and have everything be ok again. Because I'm exhausted with all of the stuff.

And, I'm tired of blogging like everything's great here. It's not. So, I'm being honest. I'm trying to be positive. Really, I am. But know that I'm struggling to get in the holiday spirit. I had to force myself to get a Christmas tree. But, I'm trying.

So, expect a mix of posts over the holidays. Some will be exciting, some will be more like this one. But, they will all be honest. And honest is what I really need to be right now. So, if you stuck out this post, thanks. I really appreciate it!



1 comment:

Me :) said...

Keep your head up. I had a couple years like that and you think that things will never turn back around, but they will trust me! You may be living with his parents but at least they are there to live with :) Keep that smile on your pretty face as much as you can and cry when you need to and know that thinking positive is half the battle!

 
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